Book title jokes #56
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. “I assume,” she barked, “there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is!” he replied, “Breakfast.”
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a snail
Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!
What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant ?
I’m not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ”TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”’
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Cannelloni !
Cannelloni who ?
Cannelloni some money till next week ?
I can’t understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really
enjoyed it.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. “Hey,” says the bartender, “No dogs allowed in the bar.”
“Oh please?,” begs the customer.
“You see, you’re playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals.”
“You’re trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar,” says the bartender.
“No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don’t like baseball!”
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I’m curious though….if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?”
“I don’t know,” confesses the owner, “I’ve only had him for five years.”
Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for
something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won’t be able to use it at all.
Ever hear the expression “hard drinker” ? Never made much sense to me, drinking’s one of the easiest things in the world to do.