Beauty jokes #27
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly?
Boyfriend: Of course I do !
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly?
Boyfriend: Of course I do !
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ?
To boldly go where no man has been before !
Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said “Hell, I’m no actor, and I’ve got thirty movies to prove it!”
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn’t quite hear the message and said, “Would you repeat that?”
“Not if I can help it,” replied the woman.
Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?
Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw !
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Amsterdam !
Amsterdam who ?
Amsterdam is like plum jam, but made from hamsters !
Witch: Why have you stopped playing cards with my sister ?
Wizard: Well would you play with someone who cheats all the time, is a poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards ?
Witch: No I wouldn’t.
Wizard: No, well nor will she.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”