Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.

Harry: That’s what I’m afraid of!

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman’s company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, “Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders.”

Why was the cat so small ?

Because it only ate condensed milk !

What was King Arthur’s favourite game ?

Knights and crosses !

Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?

A. “Rough rough”.

What do hookers do on their night off: type?

What did the maggot say to another ?

What’s a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this !

An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, “What is this… some kind of joke?”

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done.

“Not at all,” said the blind man. “I only wanted to find out which end to kick.”

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.

“You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.”

“Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever.”

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

“Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.”

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?”

“I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ?

Somebody took a corner !

Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?

For hare care.

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, “it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street.”

What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ?

That hit the spots !

What do you call a three-footed aardvark?

A yardvark!

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head.

‘Are you here as a ghost ?’ asked his friends ‘No, I’m an undercover agent’.

There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left?

Nine!

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Asia !

Asia who ?

Asia mum in?

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Crewcut !

Crewcut who?

Crewcut and I’m the only one left !

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day ?

After a week he was spotless !

What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?

It repeated on him.

Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

A: Play ball.

Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas?

They were empty.