Beauty jokes #27

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Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly?

Boyfriend: Of course I do !

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Pig jokes #111

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What goes “knio, knio?”

A backward pig.

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Movie and TV jokes #38

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Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ?

To boldly go where no man has been before !

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Movie and TV jokes #37

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Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said “Hell, I’m no actor, and I’ve got thirty movies to prove it!”

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Blonde jokes #236

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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back!

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Face jokes #25

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What is the hottest part of a man’s face?

His sideburns.

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Knock Knock jokes #256

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Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Byron !

Byron who ?

Byron new suit !

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Dinosaur jokes #26

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?

A: Because he is a meat eater!

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Journalist jokes #19

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A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn’t quite hear the message and said, “Would you repeat that?”

“Not if I can help it,” replied the woman.

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Salesmen jokes #26

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Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?

Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

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Cow jokes #104

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What does a cow ride when his car is broken?

A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!

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Knock Knock jokes #255

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Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Aretha !

Aretha who ?

Aretha flowers !

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Burger jokes #66

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Where do the burgers go on New Year’s Eve?

To a meat ball!

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Bicycle jokes #25

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Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off?

It was a vicious cycle.

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Music jokes #108

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Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?

A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

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Dog jokes #165

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Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot ?

Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw !

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Knock Knock jokes #254

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Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Amsterdam !

Amsterdam who ?

Amsterdam is like plum jam, but made from hamsters !

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Witch jokes #45

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Witch: Why have you stopped playing cards with my sister ?

Wizard: Well would you play with someone who cheats all the time, is a poor loser and keeps tearing up the cards ?

Witch: No I wouldn’t.

Wizard: No, well nor will she.

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Various animal jokes #130

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian ?

He felt funny !

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Idiot and fool jokes #104

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What do you call an alien starship that drips water?

A crying saucer.

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Criminal jokes #42

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

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Gorilla jokes #50

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What political party entices most Gorillas?

The Treepublican Party!

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Easter jokes #30

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Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?

The Oyster Bunny!

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Blonde jokes #235

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”

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Old age jokes #52

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

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