What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world’s greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Why did the cat sleep under the car ?
Because she wanted to wake up oily !

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Agent !
Agent who ?
Agentle breeze !

How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
He hires Santa’s elves during the off-season.

Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can’t move.

Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?
I can’t help it, I’m hooked.

How do Italian Chefs swap recipes?
By Spaghett-e-mail!

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs”.

Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Is it good to drink witch’s brew?
Yes, it’s very newt tricious!

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

What did Darth Vader say to the Internet?
May the force e-with you.

Yo mama’s so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.

Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.

What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples?
“Don’t tell the farmer. He might charge us extra.”

How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink!

Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Customer: Waiter, I can’t eat this meal.
Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me.
Customer: I don’t have a fork.

Did you hear about the depressed horse?
He told a tale of whoa!

What duo were famous for stealing horses?
Bonnie and Clydesdale!

When is a lion not a lion ?
When he turns into his cage !

What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ?
Get a tame one and annoy it !