A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That’s great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!
Man l: “I got my wife a VCP for her birthday”
Man 2: “Don’t you mean a VCR?”
Man 1: “No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!”
The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen
What
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said “It’s Al Gore. He’s up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.”
“Donations!” I said, “How much you got so far?”
He said “about ten gallons.”
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ”I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”Of couse it is, dear.”
The next day, the blonde said, ”I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”Of course it is dear!”
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ”I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?”
Her mother replied, ”No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”
The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn’t feeling well.
“Would you care for some more supper, ma’am?” asked the steward.
“No, thanks,” replied the wretched passenger. “Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble.”
Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”
So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”
“Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
John thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him — he’s just a wise guy when he’s drunk and stoned.”
Brian from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, ‘what did you think of the scenery ?’
‘Oh, I couldn’t see much,’ Harry admitted. ‘There were all these mountains in the way.’
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.”
“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” we asked.
“It’s simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.”
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”
“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.”
“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”
“In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.’”
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Blur !
Blur who ?
Blur, it’s cold and wet out here !
Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!
What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet?
Anything you like, they’re not listening to you anyway.
