What kind of doctors are like spiders ?

Spin doctors !

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: “It makes you feel young again.”

John looks at Sylvester and says, “We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!”

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, “Well John, do you feel young yet?”

“No,” replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, “John, do you feel younger?”

“No,” replies John, “but I sure did a childish thing!”

How did you find the weather at camp?

It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don’t you pay with a smile? I’d like to but they insist on money

Why did the fly fly ?

Did you hear about the stupid woodworm?

He was found in a brick.

Policeman: Are you going to a fire?

Motorist: No, I’m trying to prevent one. That’s what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

What’s the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one God.

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

“YOU’RE DRUNK!” exclaimed the police officer.

“Thank God for that!” said the drunk, “I thought the steering had gone.”

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

Couldn’t be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Have you seen www.quasimodo.com?

I’m not sure, but certainly rings a bell.

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?

Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation?

A. I mist you.

A little monster was learning to play the violin,’ I’m good, aren’t I?’ he asked his big brother.

‘You should be on the radio,’ said his brother.

‘You think I’m that good?’

‘No, I think you’re terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

What is a cow’s favourite TV show ?

Dr Moo !

Why is a ghost like an empty house?

Because there’s no body there!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?

They got jellygated!

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or No,” she replied.

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.”

When did Caesar reign ?

I didn’t know he reigned.

Of course he did, didn’t they hail him ?

Where did the newlywed horses stay?

In the bridle suite!

Read more Accountant jokes

What kind of bird opens doors ?

A kiwi !