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Archive for January, 2009

Old age jokes #22

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”

He replied, “To the kitchen.”

She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

Then his wife asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

“No, I can remember that.”

“Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said.

“I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replied, “Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”

Farmer jokes #13

A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand.

`You’ll need to be fit,’ said the farmer. `Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?’

‘No, sir,’ replied the young man proudly. `But you’re on crutches.

You must have had an accident!’ said the farmer.

`Oh, the crutches!’ said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn’t an accident! He did it on purpose!’

Space jokes #14

What do you call an overweight ET ?

An extra cholesterol !

Blonde jokes #74

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Music jokes #37

Q: Why shouldn’t violists take up mountaineering?

A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they’re missing.

Military jokes #23

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?

A. Nothing, yet.

Monster jokes #32

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?

HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

Knock Knock jokes #82

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Cynthia !

Cynthia who ?

Cynthia you been away I missed you !

Various animal jokes #39

What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?

Shark absorbers!

Frog jokes #10

Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ?

A frog in a blender !

School jokes #47

Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late?

Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.

Teacher: It’s three in the afternoon!

Insect jokes #42

Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees ?

Because they kept droning on and on !

Dirty jokes #91

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?

A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Halloween jokes #7

Where’s the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating?

On the psycho path!

Cat jokes #19

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?

She had mittens !

Military jokes #22

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

Cowboy jokes #7

Teacher: When do astronauts eat?

Pupil: At launch time!

Dog jokes #48

How did the dog make anti-freeze?

He stole her blanket.

Fishing jokes #32

How do you post a fish?

You send it COD … or first bass mail

Knock Knock jokes #81

Knock Knock

Who’s there ?

Cherry !

Cherry who ?

Cherry oh, see you later !

Cow jokes #32

What do cows do when they’re introduced?

They give each other a milk shake!

Mouse jokes #5

What squeaks as it solves crimes ?

Miami mice !

Food jokes #22

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods?

One was “a-salted.”

Waiter jokes #26

Waiter, there is a frog in my soup !

Don’t worry sir there isn’t enough there to drown him !

Aardvark jokes #14

What does the aardvark take sailing?

An aard ark!

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