May: What position does your brother play in the school football team ?

Jay: I think he’s one of the drawbacks !

What do chickens serve at birthday parties ?

Coop-cakes !

What does the bee Santa Claus say ?

Ho hum hum !

How do bank robbers send messages?

By flee mail!

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Alvin !

Alvin who !

Alvin zis competition - just vait and see!

What do you give a sick horse?

Cough stirrup.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night…

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it is done by the automatic pilot.

What’s the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

Time to get a new car.

What goes “Clip”?

A one legged horse!

“Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions,” said the father. “I’d like to know what would have happened if I’d asked as many questions when I was a boy.”

“Perhaps,” said the boy, “you’d've been able to answer some of mine.”

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?

Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!

Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!

Pupil: A reindeer

Teacher: Good, now name another.

Class: Another reindeer!

How do you stop a dog smelling ?

Put a peg on it’s nose !

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Cuba !

Cuba who ?

Cuba wood !

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

A: She moved.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Headgear Barbie …guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better!

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!

I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

What did one frog say to the other?

Time’s sure fun when you’re having flies!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas’ sleigh and is made of cement?

I don’t know.

A reindeer!

What about the cement?

I just threw that in to make it hard.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen. “Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”