Why did the whale like the diver?

Because he had flippers!

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: “don’t” and “stop”.

What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?

Mash-scara!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?

They prefer cricket matches!

What tea do footballers drink?

Penaltea!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

Class: Hooray!

Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Bullet !

Bullet who ?

Bullet all the hay and now he’s hungry !

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.

Sounds like you’ve got Foot and Mouth disease!

What part of a fish weighs the most ?

It’s scales !

What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night ?

Bronto-snore-us !

Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula?

Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of?

A Doberman puncher!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, “Will, what will? I’m making a list of people I’m gonna bite.”

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Light bulb changing isn’t in the course notes.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common ?

They both have ‘the’ as their middle names !

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout ?

Monkfish !

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

A retired sergeant was asked: “Well, how do you like civilian life?”

“Terrible,” he said gruffly, “all those people around and nobody in charge!”

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Cain !

Cain who ?

Cain you tell !

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.

‘Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!’

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Clay !

Clay who ?

Clay on, Sam !

Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!

I’m on my way, Father Christmas.

Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on!

That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.

HUSBAND: Which is this?