What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends ?
A witch with a blindfold !
Archive for June, 2009
Bird jokes #60
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ?
The bombshell !
Mental health jokes #32
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Knock Knock jokes #150
Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Briony !
Briony who ?
Briony, beautiful sea !
Idiot and fool jokes #51
He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!
Cat jokes #36
On what should you mount a statue of your cat ?
A caterpillar !
Dead and dying jokes #21
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Weather jokes #45
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the children have to play inside.
Weather jokes #44
There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, “It looks like a storm is coming.”
“No it isn’t,” said his wife. “Besides, how would you know?”
“Because,” he responded, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Computer jokes #63
A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
Bed jokes #21
When does a bed grow longer?
At night, because two feet are added to it.
Beauty jokes #14
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing ?
Blonde jokes #137
Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.
Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun! #39
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”
The bartender quickly replies, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”
Various animal jokes #76
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: “Mother said there would be knights like this.”
Insect jokes #78
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk ?
A centipede with a wooden leg !
Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun! #38
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman “Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
Dance jokes #18
Andy: “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.”
Doctor: “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”
Andy: “Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.”
Dirty jokes #138
What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Cannibal jokes #26
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ”So that I can feed my lads with m’lasses!
Dance jokes #17
Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five!…Six!…Seven!…Eight!
Dinosaur jokes #11
Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs?
To give the ants a chance.
Various animal jokes #75
What’s a skunk’s favourite game in school?
Show and smell!
Police jokes #56
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the weekstart with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
Pig jokes #66
What’s that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?
Didn’t you tell me to put out a stop swine?
