Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog?

Because he was such a sloppy dresser.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.

‘Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!’

Why are condoms like cameras?

they both capture the moment.

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?

A dead centipede.

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.

“I thought I told you to go to the end of the line,” barked the NCO.

“Why did you come back?”

“Because there’s already somebody there!”

What do elephants sing at christmas ?

Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants…

Why didn’t the female frog lay eggs ?

Because her husband spawned her affections !

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

Did you hear about the idiot who had a new bath put in?

The plumber said, “Would you like a plug for it?”

The idiot replied, “Oh, I didn’t know it was electric.”

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Brad !

Brad who ?

Brad news I’m afraid !

Q: What did the hat say to the necktie?

A: You go AHEAD I’ll HANG AROUND!

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient?

What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant?

A tusky!

Fred: My mum’s having a new baby.

Drew: What’s wrong with the old one?

Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?

Both are food from aloft!

Loomis: Does your dog have a license?

Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin’.

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

“You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl.

Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I’ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”

What’s the hardest part of milking a mouse ?

Getting it to fit over a bucket !

‘Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that!’

‘Oh, yes I can.’ the elf said. ‘Because tow ‘Eds are better than one, of course!’

What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?

“There’s more there than meets the sty.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?”

What do you call a snake that informs the police ?

A grass snake !

Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today.

Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.