What did the parrot say on Independence Day?

Polly wants a firecracker!

Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant?

Nick: I don’t know.

Tom: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride. After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection. The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

“Mister,” the patrolman said to the driver, “I think the best way to charge you is ‘hauling wood without a truck.’”

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?

By appearing in television spooktaculars.

Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri?

To show the opossum it could be done.

Waiter, is there soup on the menu ?

No, madam I wiped it off !

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Waiter: These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.

Diner: Well, bring me some you haven’t had around for that long.

You have just received the “Kentucky Virus”!!!

As we ain’t got no programin’ experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead.”

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Do you send e-mails on your home computer?

What’s the point?

I can just bring my home along with me and have a chat.

Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?

Jackie: Nine.

Teacher: That’s not right, you’d have eight.

Jackie: No, Teacher, I’d have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!

What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough?

“Mmm. Canapes.”

Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a cricket match?

Because they’re both stopped by the rein.

What do you call a big irish spider ?

Paddy long legs !

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty?

Four guys watching a baseball game.

Insurance agent to would-be client: “Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.”

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1″ and nobody understood it.

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

“Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient.

“And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Oh,” said the patient, “when I answer the telephone.”

A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.

“Where were you? I was worried sick.”

“It was such nice day, I decided to walk.”

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Conga !

Conga who?

Conga go on meeting like this !

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net.

What an intelligent animal!

Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.