Which of our meaty friends are into astrology?

Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!

What do you call an aardvark that’s just lost a fight?

A vark!

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

“Take the wheel, Harry!” said the nervous lady driver. “There’s a tree coming straight for us!”

George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store.

‘I want to buy three trout,’ he said to the owner. ‘But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me.’

‘Why should I do that?’ the owner asked.

‘So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!’

Whats a frogs favourite game ?

It’s croak-et !

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he’d stepped out “for a beer” on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head?

Petal !

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

What did the bell say when it fell in the water?

I’m wringing wet.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?

A: She thought her maxi pad had wings

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in

What about a matchbox!

Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?

A. Because he wanted to be a smarty

What kind of star wears sunglasses?

A movie star.

What do you get if you pour boiling water down rabbit holes?

Hot, cross bunnies !

Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had?

Because they were a nuisance (new cents).

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?

The ground!

What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch?

A cuckoo clock.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I’m a bee

Buzz off can’t you see I’m busy?

How does a door chime answer the phone?

Bella?

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

Don’t worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get ‘em.

On what kind of ships do students study?

Scholarships.

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Census !

Census who ?

Census presents for Christmas !

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

“You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”

“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, “Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ — that did it.”