The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, “I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn’t want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me.”
“Well,” said a guest, “he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!”
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them ?
Stan: In the bathroom
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath ?
Stan: Blindfold them !
Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed…you’ll soon drop off!
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “What would you like?”
the fish says holding his neck, “Water”.
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don’t
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
Why was Dracula always willing to help young vampires?
Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, “Pig!”
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, “Moron!”
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant “I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?
A: Sweetheart!
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!
“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
“No thank you,” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife ?” he asked.
“Yeah! That’s a good idea,” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”
