What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones?

Diving

Teacher : What is a comet ?

Pupil : A star with a tail

Teacher: Can you name one ?

Pupil: Lassie !

Pig Breeding by Lena Bacon

Why did the banana go out with the prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, “How long does it take to fly to Boston?”

The clerk said, “Just a minute…”

“Thank you,” the man said and hung up.

Did you hear about the Murfreesboro muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?

The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was pregnant.

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water?

Jockey and Jill!

Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many would you have ?

Pupil: One big haystack !

What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road?

He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?

Steer Wars.

Q: Why don’t men fake orgasm?

A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed?

They saw the salad dressing!

What’s your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail?

“That’s the end of me!”

What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?

A kangamoo!

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Where would you put an injured insect ?

In an antbulance !

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Princess Leia Barbie …Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I dont recognize this court!”

“Why?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”

“A mongoose.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”

“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet.

“What are they for?” he asked the pet shop manager.

“Ah well, sir,” came the reply, “that’s a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he’s a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says ‘Hello’ and if you pull the string on his left foot he says ‘Goodbye’.”

“And what happens if you pull both strings at once?”

“I fall off my perch, you fool!” screeched the parrot.

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

“Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”

“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

Q. What has one horn and gives milk?

A A milk truck.

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m an adder

Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!