What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Lots.

Teacher: Tommy Russell, you’re late again.

Tommy: Sorry, sir. It’s my bus - it’s always coming late.

Teacher: Well, if it’s late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.

He says “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He goes, “Geez…oooh….I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?

A yeaster bunny!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rastafarian Barbie …she has dreadlocks and ganja, mon!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Medusa Barbie …Barbie with snakes for hair

First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night?

Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper.

Why don’t Purdue athletes eat pickles?

They can’t get their heads in the jar.

What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman.

What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese ?

He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !

“Why are you so excited?”, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

“But doc, this is my first operation.”

“Really? It’s mine too, and I am not excited at all.”

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

“Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.

“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

Teacher: Name two pronouns ?

Pupil: Who ?, me ?

Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?

He wanted something to get his teeth into.

Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?

The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

Father and son standing outside the elephant’s cage in the Moscow Zoo.

Father tells son, “If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us.”

What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?

I’m at your service, ma’am.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

Why was the farmer hopping mad ?

Because someone had trodden on his corn !

Why couldn’t the skeleton pay his bus fare?

Because he was skint.

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.”

As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”

Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months?

A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money?

It’s dangerous to let him put the bite on you!