Filed at 10:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
How do you know when an accountant’s on holidays?
He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
Filed at 10:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
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What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
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Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: “No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductible, but I like your thinking”.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
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Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don’t
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will
Filed at 8:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, “The debit side is the one nearest the window.”
Filed at 4:06 pm under Accountant jokes by admin
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Filed at 10:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”
“Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.
The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”
The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Righto. You’re on”.
The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Four firm.”
The man whistles. “How the heck did you know that?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and I’ll tell you.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: “He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you’re an accountant.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. “Was he tall or was he short?”
The businessman replies, “Both!”
Filed at 12:06 pm under Accountant jokes by admin
What’s a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s retiring.
Filed at 8:06 pm under Accountant jokes by admin
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ?
A: None-just assume it’s changed.
Filed at 8:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”
Filed at 8:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
Filed at 12:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him.
“How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don’t you?”
The young partner is offended. “Of course I know what Ethics is. It’s a county in southern England.”
Filed at 6:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
Why accountants don’t read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
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An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”.
“Where did you get this exact information?”
“I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
Filed at 12:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Accountant jokes by admin
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?”
The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I’m a chartered accountant.”
Filed at 12:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Filed at 4:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
Filed at 6:06 am under Accountant jokes by admin
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
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