A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

“What kind of answer did you have in mind?”

Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.

“Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”

“How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”.

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an accountant make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the accountant. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven”

“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.”

So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.”

The accountant paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the accountant, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That’s because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you’re staff.”

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An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?”

He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed.

Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right”

“We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

Invite an accountant.

How do you know when an accountant’s on holidays?

He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: “No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductible, but I like your thinking”.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

Laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don’t
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, “The debit side is the one nearest the window.”

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

They find bookkeeping too exciting.

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”

“Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.

The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”

The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”

The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Righto. You’re on”.

The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Four firm.”

The man whistles. “How the heck did you know that?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and I’ll tell you.”

Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: “He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you’re an accountant.”

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. “Was he tall or was he short?”

The businessman replies, “Both!”

What’s a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s retiring.

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ?

A: None-just assume it’s changed.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”

How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?

How many did it take last year?

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him.

“How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don’t you?”

The young partner is offended. “Of course I know what Ethics is. It’s a county in southern England.”

Why accountants don’t read novels?

Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”.

“Where did you get this exact information?”

“I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”