Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?

Because he wanted frozen pop.

Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit’s new baby?

She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.

Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?

Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).

A family of ducks were walking down the road when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther down the road a family of skunks were walking the other way when the same 18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally met each other and the duck said, “Excuse me, my mom died down the road. Would you tell me what I am?”

“Well”, said the skunk “You have webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck.”

“Thanks” said the duck; then the skunk said, “My mom died down the road too, will you tell me what I am?”

“Well”, said the duck, “Your black, your white, & your mom’s dead, you must be O.J.’s kid”

Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?

He wanted something to get his teeth into.

Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.

“Say,” said Dewey, “Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin’ ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?”

“Uh huh,” answered Odell. “We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!”

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.

The first man said, ” my wife was reading a ‘tale of two cities’ and she gave birth to twins”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”

The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?

I’d much rather have a jelly baby.

How do you get a paper baby?

Marry an old bag.

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?

Stop crying and viper your nose.

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant’s milk. Whose baby was it?

The elephant’s!

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Underwear.

Underwear who?

Underwear my baby is tonight?

Why is a baby like an diamond?

Because it’s a dear little thing.

Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping

Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger’s baby?

Mrs Bigger’s baby, because he’s a little Bigger.

Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch!

Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

Why are babies always gurgling with joy?

Because it’s a nappy time.

Little Johnny ’s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”.

The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?”

The Mother said “why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.”

Little Johnny said “well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn’t wear glasses!!!”

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Baby !

Baby who ?

Baby love, my baby love…. !

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

“I’m just entertaining the baby,” explained Tommy.

“Where is the baby?” asked his Mum.

“Under the bath.”

What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ?

A cry for Alp !

Q: What’s pink and red and can’t turn round in a corridor?

A: A baby with a javellin through its head.

Fred: My mum’s having a new baby.

Drew: What’s wrong with the old one?

Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Daughter: You told me to change the baby.