A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.

He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

A: Ok you 2, dont start anything

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. “Do you realize what time it is?” she asked.

He answered, “Don’t get excited. I’m late because I bought something for the house.”

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, “What did you buy for the house, dear?”

His answer was, “A round of drinks!”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ‘Why, of course,’ comes the reply.

The first man then asks, ‘Where are you from?’

‘I’m from Ireland,’ replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, ‘You don’t say. I’m from Ireland too. Let’s have another round to Ireland.’

‘Of course,’ replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, ‘Where in Ireland are you from?’

‘Dublin,’ comes the reply.

‘I can’t believe it,’ says the first man, ‘I’m from Dublin too. Let’s have another drink to Dublin.’

‘Of course,’ replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, ‘What school did you go to?’

‘St Mary’s,’ replies the second man, ‘I graduated in 1962.’

‘This is unbelievable,’ the first man says. ‘I went to St Mary’s and I graduated in 1962 too.’

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. ‘What’s been going on?’ he asks the barman.

‘Nothing much,’ replies the barman. ‘The O’Malley twins are drunk again.’

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.”

The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!!!”

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

“What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

“Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.”

To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”

What happened when the barman died?

The police held an inn-quest

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

“Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I’m afraid he’s goin’ to die.”

“Shure, an’ why would he be dyin’?” asked the other.

“Ah, he’s gotten so thin. You’re thin enough, and I’m thin — but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, “this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - “I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. The man responded “I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.”

The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.”

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.”

The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?”

So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn’t believe this was happening, and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.”

He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.”

“The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’”

“So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.”

The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.”

“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’ The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.’”

“Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either. Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’ But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!”

The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.”

“No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.”

The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.”

The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?”

“Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground.”

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”

“A mongoose.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”

“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets ‘em down on the bar. And then the bartender said “Now don’t you start anything!!”

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter ” Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!”

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says ” Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast.”

The man says ” well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.”

The bartender says ” Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?”

The man looks at him and says ” Fifty cents.”

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night.”

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.

“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? ”

“We were just pulling in!”

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, ‘How is this possible?’ The guy says,’Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.

The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.”

The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”