My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.

Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother’s ear.

‘Johnny, how many times have I told you,’ said his mother, ‘ it’s rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.’

‘OK’, said Johnny, ‘why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?’

Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?

She finished it in two.

Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly?

Boyfriend: Of course I do !

What did the really ugly man do for a living ?

He posed for Halloween masks !

She’s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

Monster: I’m so ugly.

Ghost: It’s not that bad!

Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

I’ve just come back from the beauty parlour.

Pity it was closed!

A little boy came running into the kitchen.

‘Dad, dad’ he said, ‘there’s a monster at the door with a really ugly face’

‘Tell him you’ve already got one,’ said his father

Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, ‘I took my girlfriend to see ‘The bride of Dracula’ last night.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the other, ‘ what was she like?’

‘Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.’

The other said, ‘Yes, but what was ‘The Bride of Dracula’ like?’

Don’t look out of the window, Betty, people will think it’s Halloween.

People keep telling me I’m beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets.

The boy behind the counter said “Gosh, your ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before”

“Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted”

“Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.

“Hmmm,” said the doctor. “I’ve no idea what it is.”

The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom.

“I’m stumped,” said the doctor, “but you can try taking these pills.”

When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.

“Ah!” said the doctor, “I know what it is. You’ve got a beauty spot.”

What is yellow and goes click-click?

A ball-point banana.

Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?

Wizard: With luck, yes.

Witch:

Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn’t pretty and wasn’t ugly ?

She was pretty ugly

Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing ?

Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ?

Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.

First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours.

Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done?

First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

“My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!”said Miss Conceited.

”Then he’s right said her little brother.”Sophia Loren?”

”No-spaghetti!”

Where is everyone beautiful?

In the dark.

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity?

Second girl: No, it’s imagination.

She’s the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can’t believe it the first time.

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?

The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice.

You don’t want justice - you want mercy !