Passenger: Does this bus go to London?

Conductor: No.

Passenger: But it says London on the front.

Conductor: There’s an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don’t sell them!

Why did the bus stop?

Because it saw the zebra crossing.

Teacher: Tommy Russell, you’re late again.

Tommy: Sorry, sir. It’s my bus - it’s always coming late.

Teacher: Well, if it’s late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.

Why couldn’t the skeleton pay his bus fare?

Because he was skint.

What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head?

Dead.

Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you’d stand up and let someone else sit down.”

“And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you’d stand up and let four people sit down.”

When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?

I prefer to ride on top, but it’s very hard getting the horse up the stairs.

Janet: What’s the difference between a cake and a school bus ?

Jill: I don’t know.

Janet: I’m glad I didn’t send you to pick up my birthday cake !

Which end of a bus is it best to get off?

It doesn’t matter. Both ends stop.

What did the bus conductor say to the frog?

Hop on.

What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?

I don’t know but it could always get a seat on a bus!

What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?

The deceased !

What do monsters play when they are in the bus?

Squash.

Have you seen the bus website?

Yes - it’s just the ticket!

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him.

“Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.

“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

What “bus” crossed the ocean?

Columbus.

Sam left work after a tiring day. ‘Take the bus home,’ suggested a friend.

‘My mother would only make me take it back,’ Sam said.

How do eels get around the seabed?

They go by octobus.

Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.

Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.

Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.

Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.

Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?

I should say not, on my salary!

Why didn’t anyone take the school bus to school?

I wouldn’t fit through the door.

As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, ‘What on earth did you do that for?’ ‘I wanted to know if there was room on top,’ replied the man.

Does this bus stop at the river?

If it doesn’t there’ll be a very big splash.

Do buses and trains run on time? Usually, yes.

No, they don’t. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.