Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?

A: A superior being.

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, “How much are your parrots?”

The salesman answers, “The first one is $1,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.”

“How about the second one?”

“The second parrot costs $5,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”

“Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.”

“This one costs $20,000.”

“Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?”

“This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him ‘THEIR BOSS.’”

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was.

His friend asked, “I thought you were headed home?”

The man replied, “I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again.”

His friend asked, “Why’s that?”

The man replied, “I almost got caught by the boss.”

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other ” hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?”

pointing to the supervisor. The other says, “I don’t know, go ask him.”

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says “Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?”

The supervisor says “Intelligence”.

Guido says “what is this intelligence?”

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says “Hita my hand as hard as you can!”

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says “That’s intelligence”.

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says “Hey what did he say?”

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says “hita my hand as hard as you can. . .”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The man says, “Can you brew tea?”

The Irishman says, “Yes.”

“Good. Can you drive a fork lift?”

The Irishman looks at him and asksy, “Why? How big is the teapot?”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”

Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”

The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell ‘accountant.’”

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention …. “

Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: “Don’t Walk.”

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”

Replied the second, “Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”

Why did the doughnut maker retire?

He was fed up with the hole business.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys… all on different limbs,… at different levels,… some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting.’ Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter.

The right-hand man says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf collector signs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the main man, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf collector signs, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain.”

The interpreter’s eyes light up, and he says to the thug, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? ”

The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”

“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.

“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs”

Boss: “I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.”

Employee: “That’s because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?”

Boss: “Right. Except for the ‘us’ part.”