Filed at 4:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell ‘accountant.’”
Filed at 2:06 am under Business jokes by admin
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention …. “
Filed at 2:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: “Don’t Walk.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, “Say, why did the foreman fire you?”
Replied the second, “Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”
Filed at 4:06 am under Business jokes by admin
Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.
Filed at 12:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys… all on different limbs,… at different levels,… some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Filed at 6:06 am under Business jokes by admin
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Filed at 12:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Business jokes by admin
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting.’ Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter.
The right-hand man says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”
The deaf collector signs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter tells the main man, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”
The deaf collector signs, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain.”
The interpreter’s eyes light up, and he says to the thug, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Filed at 10:06 am under Business jokes by admin
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
Filed at 12:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? ”
The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”
Filed at 4:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”
Filed at 6:06 am under Business jokes by admin
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.
“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”
“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.
“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs”
Filed at 2:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Boss: “I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.”
Employee: “That’s because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?”
Boss: “Right. Except for the ‘us’ part.”
Filed at 6:06 am under Business jokes by admin
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it’s a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class “Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?”
And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said “whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty
dollars”.
All of the kids called out their guesses. One said “George Washington - because he was the father of our country.”
“That’s excellent” said the teacher.
Another said “Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves.”
“That’s also good” said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said “Joan of Arc - because she saved France.”
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. So the teacher called on him. “Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?”
And Abraham said “Jesus Christ.”
The teacher was shocked. “Abraham,” she said “I’m very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars.”
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said “Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but… business is business!”
Filed at 4:06 am under Business jokes by admin
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.”
The man below says: “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’.
Filed at 2:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Business jokes by admin
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
If at first you don’t succeed - you’re fired!
Filed at 6:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It’s for people who can’t swim!
Filed at 12:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
“Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.”
“Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.”
“What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said.
“Thanks, Dad.”
Filed at 6:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Filed at 6:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
Filed at 4:06 pm under Business jokes by admin
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
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