Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

“I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!”

“Ah well, these things happen sometimes,” the boss says. “Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark.”

“But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!”

“Never mind,” says the boss. “There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home.”

“Okay, boss.”

Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. “What’s the problem, son?”

“Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck.”

“What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?”

“Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck.”

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

What kind of ears do trains have?

Engineers (engine ears).

Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car ?

Because she’d never be able to learn the language

What is the meaning of afford?

It’s the car most sales representatives drive.

Policeman: Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I wasn’t going to miss seeing myself on “America’s Most Wanted.”

Why is it not safe to doze on trains?

Because they run over sleepers.

Policeman: Why were you speeding?

Driver: I didn’t want to be late for my trial.

Policeman: Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.

Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles?

Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk?

Motorist: It’s too dangerous on the street.

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly?

Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.

Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding.

One said, “What are we going to do?”

The other replied, “Quick, turn the car into a side street.”

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot.”

Q. What has one horn and gives milk?

A A milk truck.

Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.

One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked.

“My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?”

“Where are you?” John asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded.

“And where’s the car?” John asked.

Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: “Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.”

“What do you mean it’s illegal?” asked the Englishmen.

“Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official.

“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen says disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.”

“You can’ta pulla thata one ona me,” replies the Italian customs agent. “Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin’a the law”.

The Englishmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” responds the Italian official, “he can’ta come”. “He’s a busy with two guys in a Uno”.

Policeman: Didn’t you see the signs with the speed limit?

Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.

What would you have if your car’s motor was in flames?

A fire engine.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel?

Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop.

He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”.

The man says “Sorry - we’re right out of petrol.”

So the man considers, and says “Well, I’m a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?”

And the attendant responds “Sorry, but no oil either.”

The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can’t do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ?”

The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.”

The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”