Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?

Student: When you can’t get your jeans over your thighs.

Teenage Driver: But, officer, I’m a college man.

Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?

“Nowledge.”

Why don’t Purdue athletes eat pickles?

They can’t get their heads in the jar.

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. “Are there any questions?” At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, “Er… How much for a season pass?”

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

“Professors haven’t got bad memories,” he declared.

“They’re not absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think tomorrow I’ll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?”

“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?”

“Good!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.”

The student received an “A” on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.”

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?”

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ?

Something from another universe -ity !

Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

What’s the difference between an American student and an English student ?

About 3000 miles !

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M’s.

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. “Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?”

“Yes!”

“For the whole basketball team?”

How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook?

She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.” The student received an “A” on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?”

Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?

“Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?”

“Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around.”

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player, “What do you think of bilingualism?”

“Oh, I think it’s okay,” said the boy, “if it’s between consenting adults.”

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

Wife: Didn’t you feel a hand in your pocket?

Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

“Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?”

“Well, let’s see,” replied the student. “It’s Wednesday afternoon. I guess I’ll be on the golf course by now.”

Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus.

One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, “I hear there’s a new case of herpes in the dorm.”

“Great!” said Baldwin. “I was getting tired of 7-Up!”

On what kind of ships do students study?

Scholarships.

Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

“Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!”

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: “In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

How do you know a Brigham Young student’s been mowing the lawn?

The welcome mat is destroyed.