A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”
“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
“Why did you do that?”
“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em!”
Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”
What did Bill Gate’s wife say to him on their wedding night?
No wonder you called the company Microsoft
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.”
The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”
Would you like to buy a second-hand computer?
I’m afraid not. I’m only able to type with one hand as it is.
Customer: “My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.”
Customer: “Look, I don’t have three hands!”
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, ‘Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work !?’
Tech Support: “Which format are the images you send?”
Customer: “Rectangular, 15×11 centimeters.”
Q: What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
Customer: I think I’ve got a bug in my computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer: Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn’t. He declares darkness the industry standard.
After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem.
First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: “Did you check to see whether the power was on?”
“Of course.”
DED: “Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?”
“Of course.”
DED: “Then why are you calling me?”
“Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,” pleaded the frustrated purchaser.
“Of course there is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover. There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.”
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: “Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”.
“G.O.O.D” answered his wife.
Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
