Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium’s floating point divider?

A: “Life is like a box of chocolates…” (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, provided there’s a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?

A: A microchip off the old block.

Customer: “It says I’ve performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?”

- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

- Well, dear… Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with “Please wait while your computer shuts down”…

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

“You’re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that’s a hardware problem.

Helpline?

I’ve just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!

Has the computer stopped working?

No, but there’s a lot of crackling.

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant “I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it’s got to be simple enough for his father to play, too.”

Why did the computer act crazy?

It had a screw loose.

Me: “What is that noise?”

Customer: “Hey Martinez!! I’m on the phone! Cut it out!”

Me: “What was that?”

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Customer: “It’s from a device.”

Me: “What kind of device?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Like a fax machine or something?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Someone is under house arrest or something.”

This customer comes into the computer store. “I’m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.”

“Well,” replied the clerk, “Have you tried Windows 98?”

What’s the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don’t know!

Well, you’re not using my computer keyboard then!

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs.
“The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!”

The employee was a little confused and didn’t know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him…he’d never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. “Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it…”

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don’t buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

“Why did you do that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em!”

Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?

Leeds.

Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

What did Bill Gate’s wife say to him on their wedding night?

No wonder you called the company Microsoft