If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have?

Organised grime (crime).

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out ?

Through the doorway - there were no doors remember !

Who is the strongest thief?

A shoplifter.

A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…”

He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”

What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar ?

Robbery with violets !

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face.

“Where have you been?” demanded the worried look out.

“The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn’t find the soap and a towel.”

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.

“Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly.

“You must think I’m daft,” said the officer.

“You stand here and I’ll get it.”

What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?

I’m at your service, ma’am.

Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.

It was Rocky’s first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out “44″ and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called “16″ and again there was laughter. A third voice called “62″ which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn’t know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

“Yeah, whaddaya want?” came the gruff reply from next door.

“What’s going on, here?” asked Rocky.

“Well,” said the other inmate, “down in the prison library there’s only one joke book. We’ve all read the book so many times that we don’t waste time telling the joke, we just call out it’s number.”

So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out “44″ and everyone laughed! He tried calling “16″ and “62″ and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called “57″, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. “Yeah, waddaya want?” asked the other inmate.

“I don’t understand it,” asked Rocky, “Why is Bill still laughing?”

“Well,” said the gruff inmate, “He never heard that one before!”

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

What diploma do criminals get?

The third degree.

What kind of robbery is not dangerous?

A safe robbery.

Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels.

Harry: The dirty crooks.

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

Joe: I won it in a race.

Bill: How many people participated in it?

Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

What stars go to jail?

Shooting stars.

Did you hear about the calendar thief?

He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

Why was the robber so secure?

He was a safe robber.

What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ?

Baddy long legs !

What kind of thief steals meat?

A hamburglar.

Judge: Why did you steal that bird?

Prisoner: For a lark, sir.

Judge: Tell me your occupation.

Prisoner: I’m a locksmith, Your Honour.

Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?

Prisoner: Making a bolt for the door!

Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?

Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.

“What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” asked the judge.

“Well, Your Honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, ‘I want to listen to it on my record-player!’ “

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.