Filed at 2:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
Filed at 4:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
What diploma do criminals get?
The third degree.
Filed at 10:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
What kind of robbery is not dangerous?
A safe robbery.
Filed at 6:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels.
Harry: The dirty crooks.
Filed at 4:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
Filed at 6:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
What stars go to jail?
Shooting stars.
Filed at 12:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
Filed at 12:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Why was the robber so secure?
He was a safe robber.
Filed at 2:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ?
Baddy long legs !
Filed at 8:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
What kind of thief steals meat?
A hamburglar.
Filed at 10:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?
Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
Filed at 12:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Judge: Tell me your occupation.
Prisoner: I’m a locksmith, Your Honour.
Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?
Prisoner: Making a bolt for the door!
Filed at 8:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?
Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
Filed at 6:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
“What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” asked the judge.
“Well, Your Honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, ‘I want to listen to it on my record-player!’ “
Filed at 12:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?
Because it needs bailing out.
Filed at 6:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
Filed at 2:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.
Filed at 10:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
When did the criminal get smart?
When the judge threw the book at him.
Filed at 8:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
Why are burglars such good tennis players ?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
Filed at 4:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
“When you and I get out of here,” the jailbird said to the fly. “we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.”
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. “What about this fly, eh?” he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. “Glad you saw it,” muttered the bartender. “Blasted things are everywhere.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals?
F.B.I.
Filed at 6:06 am under Criminal jokes by admin
Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?
Criminal: It wasn’t when I took it.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
How do bank robbers send messages?
By flee mail!
Filed at 12:06 pm under Criminal jokes by admin
What hired killer never goes to jail?
The exterminator.
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