Filed at 8:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?
Pete.
Filed at 8:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, “Look, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to throw the switch in a minute.”
The man said, “Do me a favor and throw it out the window!”
Filed at 10:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, “Have you got any books about committing suicide?”
The librarian said, “Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.”
The chap came back a few moments later and said, “I can’t find any at all.”
The librarian replied, “Yes, it’s awful. They never bring ‘em back!”
Filed at 8:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words.
“Yes,” she replied. “He said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…”
Filed at 2:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
I’ve been e-mailing William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare’s dead, silly.
No wonder he hasn’t replied.
Filed at 2:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead ?, I didn’t even know he was sick !
Filed at 8:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover’s funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card.
“Message?” she sputtered. “Well, I guess, ‘You will be missed.”‘
Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: “I guess you will be missed.”
Filed at 4:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, “Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?”
“Course not,” replied the Sheriff. “We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it’s up to you.”
Filed at 12:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
My brother’s a professional boxer.
Heavyweight ?
No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
Filed at 10:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside.
“Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I’d like to be buried at sea.” So the boys agreed.
A few days after his passing, the local front page read, “Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven’t yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the monster. “Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring him with you.”
Filed at 4:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”
Filed at 10:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Waiter, waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup.
Oh no! Who’s going to look after his family?
Filed at 6:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in…. Well, you know the rest.
Filed at 12:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
Filed at 8:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.
Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
Filed at 4:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”
Filed at 2:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”
Filed at 6:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Why do you want to be buried at sea?
Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?
A dead centipede.
Filed at 12:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head?
It’s for people like you who’re dead from the neck up!
Filed at 6:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ?
Because he was dead !
Filed at 4:06 pm under Dead and dying jokes by admin
What is the difference between a musician and a dead body?
One composes and the other decomposes.
Filed at 10:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Filed at 2:06 am under Dead and dying jokes by admin
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale’.”
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