Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine, “If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?”
The second Marine said, “I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?”
The first Marine replied, “I would stand very still for half an hour.”
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blonde’s?
A: Because they’re both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don’t mind if you bring friends.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.”
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”
The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,”the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor.
“Well,” says the old man, “First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can’t get the lid off the bloody bottle.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot.
The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband’s penis.”
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said “That was excellent! Let’s try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth.”
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend.
“Every time we make love,” she said, “I get splinters.”
So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
“Sandpaper,” said the carpenter. “That’s what you need.”
So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. “How are you getting on with the girls now?” he asked.
“Who needs girls?” said Pinocchio.
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy’s pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man’s jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, “Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.”
The barman asks, “So what about that little guy in your jacket?”
“Oh, that,” mumbles the rich guy. “That’s the twelve-inch prick I wished for.”
Q: Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won’t accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill.
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.
The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?
A: Sweetheart!
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can’t eat it.
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
What does KFC and a woman have in common?
Once you’re done with the breasts and the thighs, there’s still a greasy box to put your bone in.
