Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?

A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven’s door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, “They’re gone!”

“What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?” asked God.

“No!” replied Saint Peter.

“The Pearly Gates!”

Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?

A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?

A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, “will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask.

The woman says, “unbutton your shirt.” he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, “you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because it was pissed off.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What’s the definition of a teenager?

A: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Q: What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

A: a $20 bill

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?

A: Toys for Twats.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?

A: They irritate the shit out of you.

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Bring me a beer.”

The bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?”

To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?”

Two, old drunks in a bar.

The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”

“So, “says the second drunk, “what’s your point”

“Well, “says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move. He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.

The truck driver got out and stormed: “What the hell’s the matter with you two?. Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”

The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes in a corner?

A: You don’t, you see if you’ve got 3 condoms.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?

Nobody knows, it hasn’t happened yet.

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, “I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon — although somewhat startled — she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones replied simply, “Today is the viewing.”

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole
truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Are birth control pills deductible?

Only if they don’t work.

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.

‘What are you doing’ he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover ‘See, I told you he was stupid’