Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee

Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.

Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around !doc

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?

She’s the one with dirty knees.

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father

Never mind just so long as he’s healthy!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a rubber band

Why don’t you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses

You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?

Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor, Doctor I’m boiling up!

Just simmer down!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?

Why?

Because I’ve been at my computer all day and I’ve got a splitting headache!

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

“Why are you so excited?”, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

“But doc, this is my first operation.”

“Really? It’s mine too, and I am not excited at all.”

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?

Absolutely nothing!

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Doctor, Doctor I’m on a diet and it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.

Oh dear, that’s a lot of calories!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

“Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”

“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m an adder

Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.

Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I’m not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something?

Yes - here’s a kite!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish Poor sole!

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?

Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

What is a double-blind study?

Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.