Filed at 6:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once ?
I’m on the horns of a dilemma here !
Filed at 12:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, “You can have this rooster. His name’s Roy. He’ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.”
So the farmer takes him home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?”
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, “Roy, did you have to die?”
Roy says, “Quiet! They’re about to land!”
Filed at 12:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Filed at 12:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
“Tell me,” said the hiker to the local farmer, “will this pathway take me to the main road?”
“No, sir,” replied the farmer, “you’ll have to go by yourself!”
Filed at 6:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Filed at 2:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.
“Hmmm…muffler’s loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench.” He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.
The Farmer yells to her “Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?”
“What?” She yells back.
“A Monkey Wrench!!?” He screams.
“What?”
“MONKEY WRENCH!!?…MONKEY WRENCH!!?”
“Naw, this ain’t no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!”
Filed at 2:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor.
“I mean business,” the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said.
“Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.
“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.”
“Problems?” asked the proprietor.
“Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
Filed at 6:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant “I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
Filed at 6:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his
field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
Filed at 12:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
FARMER: Did you sleep well last night?
GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door.
FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”
“Time?” said the farmer. “What does time matter to a pig?”
Filed at 4:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Filed at 2:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane, but he’s not happy with it. Instead of pointing with the wind, the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.
Filed at 10:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”
Filed at 6:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. “These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!” bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. “These pigs are all worthless now! I’ll get nothing for them!” yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. “Worthless sheep!” screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. “Are you okay down there?” asked the farmer.
“NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!” the tourist yelled back.
Filed at 2:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.
“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor!
Filed at 6:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
Filed at 2:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
An agriculture student said to a farmer: “Your methods are too old fashioned. I won’t be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples.”
“I won’t be surprised either,” said the farmer, “this is an orange tree”.
Filed at 8:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
How does the pig farmer get to the fair?
He rides piggyback.
Filed at 12:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?
“There’s more there than meets the sty.”
Filed at 6:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull.” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Jennie, pull.” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull.” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
Filed at 8:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
Did you hear about the farmer’s boy who hated the country ?
He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !
Filed at 4:06 am under Farmer jokes by admin
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.
“I am.” said the man.
“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”
The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”
“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.
“Here’s your chicken.”
said the farmer.
Filed at 4:06 pm under Farmer jokes by admin
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
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