Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine?

They keep repeating themselves.

What food is good for the brain?

Noodle soup.

Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions?

A: Tear gas.

Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

Don’t eat the cookies so fast they’ll keep.

I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite !

They say she has a sharp tongue.

Yes, she can slice bread with it.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter.

“Give me a corned beef sandwich,” he ordered. “Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.”

“What’s a Midnight Special?”

“A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.”

“Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?”

“Why, sure!” Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: “One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!”

“And what’s your name?” the secretary asked the next new boy. “Butter.”

“I hope your first name’s not Roland,” smirked the secretary. “No, ma’am. It’s Brendan.”

What’s the fastest cake in the world?

Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.

WIFE: “You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?”

HUSBAND: “No thanks. I’m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”

Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”

Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”

Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”

Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today.

Cook: There is.

Fred: No, there isn’t. There’s only cheese pie.

Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.

Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?

A. Hey Baby, what’s SHAKING!

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.

What did he say?

He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.

Did that do any good?

No - I can’t get the chocolate to light.

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

Read the label.

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.

“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Camper: There’s something wrong with my hot dog.

Cook: Don’t tell me. I’m not a veterinarian.

What’s the difference between a homeless and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

What musical instrument goes with cheese?

Picklelo.

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy’s ear.

“There!” he said proudly. “I bet your Mum can’t produce eggs without hens, can she?”

“Oh yes, she can,” said the boy. “She keeps ducks.”

What vegetable needs a plumber?

A leek.

Knock Knock

Who’s there !

Beef !

Beef who ?

Beef fair now !

Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instil good table manners in her girls?

She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.