“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.”
“That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?”
“She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!”
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Does killing time damage eternity?
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?”
“Well, I see thousands of stars.”
“And what does that mean to you?”
“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
“A police car has just called at the Hamiltons’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.” Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Why couldn’t the alligator send e-mails on his PC?
Because it was on old croc.
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ”TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”’
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The photographer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The journalist went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.
“I want them both back after lunch” replied the editor, “the deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in about ten hours.
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there’s lots of school spirit!
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
“Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to
safety.
“Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”
“Warehouses?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a
cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”
He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
“Mommy, all the kids at school say I’m a werewolf! Is that true?”
“No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.”
Why is it that at class reunions
you feel younger than everyone else looks?
