There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is”.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account:

Chalk: $1

Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

What do you call an amorous insect?

The love bug.

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake?

Betty: That’s impossible. A garter snake is not poisonous.

Bob: It doesn’t have to be if it can make you jump off a cliff!

I’m not rich like Jack, don’t have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you.

I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin !

What kind of bell doesn’t ring?

A dumbbell.

One day a wife complained, “This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband grunted and replied, “The darn clock always was slow.”

Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn’t come back from the photo store?

A. “Some day my prints will come!”

What is an archaeologist ?

Someone who’s career is in ruins !

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.

What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ?

An Ig !

A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans.

‘I’m sorry, sir,’ said a cashier, ‘the loan arranger is out to lunch.’

‘Can I speak to Tonto, then?’ asked the man.

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?”

The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.”

The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”

How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?

Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.

Did you hear about the ghoul’s favorite hotel?

It had running rot and mould in every room.

How do you get pikachu on to a boat?

You pokemon

Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks?

A: So his feet wouldn’t fall asleep.

The world’s most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

“They’re yours, but what are they for?” the genie asked.

“I’m tired of walking everywhere–I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won’t have to work to get on the horse.”

“But the squirrel?” asked the genie. “I need something to go ‘click-click’ to start the horse!!!”

What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?

The police made him bring it back again.

“Do you love me more than you love sleep?”

“I can’t answer now. It’s time for my nap!”

Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job.

“Have you any experience in coal mining?” asked the clerk.

“Yeah, in Pennsylvania,” he replied. “They’re using that new safety lamp down there now, aren’t they?”

“Ah don’t know, mister,” said Coleman. “I worked on the day shift.”

There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The surprised man said, “OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, “Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?”

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she reacted.

“We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man replied.

“For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with me too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” The second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”