It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!”

The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”

Who is the most powerful ghoul?

Judge Dread.

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?”

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: “What was the date again?”

When is an English teacher like a judge?

When she hands out long sentences.

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I dont recognize this court!”

“Why?” asked the Judge. “Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”

Judge: “Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?”

Defendant: “Yes, it’s true.”

Judge: “Then, why don’t you just pay him back?”

Defendant: “Because it wouldn’t be true anymore.”

Judge to witness: “And where was the location of the accident?”

Witness: “Approximately milepost 499.”

Judge:: “And where is milepost 499?”

Witness: “About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.”

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: “Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?”

The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.”

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. “As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.”

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, “He’s not. I am. You do.”

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.

“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?”

“Not guilty” said the second defendant.

“I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied.

“I never said a word” the third defendant replied.

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”

The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”

The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”

Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A: She is my daughter.

Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon … “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

Judge: Are you married?

A: No, I’m divorced.

Judge: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

The Judge admonished the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

The Judge asked the defendant, “Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.”

“Now what do you say to defend yourself?”

“Your Honor, under those limitations… nothing.”

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?

Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.

“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

The judge said to his dentist: “Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”