A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”

“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer”.

“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”

“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the rain went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

“Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.

“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.”

“-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “-or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “-so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third thing they look up?

Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.

“Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked.

“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.

Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.”

“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.”

Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.

“My dear woman,” lawyer replied, “Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question.”

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, “I only build coffins now.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.