A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

Why are men like paper cups?

They’re disposable

Where’s the safest place to hide money from a man?

Under the soap

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there’s food on the table.

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?

A chauffeur.

Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

This man says to his friend,” I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.”

What a woman says: “This place is a mess C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!”

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !

Q. How are men like television commercials?

A. You can’t believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?

Exchange him.

Men are like lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.

Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

How do you confuse a man?

You don’t - they’re born that way.

How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?

Dump him.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.