Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: “Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed. The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”

Fred: “Why are you so upset?”

Harry: “My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.”

Fred: “So what?”

Harry: “So she said to him, ‘Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about’.”

“Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. “After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.”

“Gee, that’s great, Doc,” the patient replied.

“And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You’ll see - you’ll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever.”

“Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?”

“Well,” suggested the psychiatrist, “if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave.”

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “That’s his problem.”

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

“Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded.

“It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. To threaten suicide if you don’t change it for him/her.

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.”

As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

“Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?”

Patient: I’m really depressed.

Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.

Patient: Nothing is going well.

Therapist: Nothing well.

Patient: I feel like killing myself.

Therapist: You’re thinking of killing yourself.

Patient: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW.

Therapist: You want to do it now.

Patient: [Jumps out window.]

Therapist: Woosh. Splat.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

“How long have you been having this phantasy?”

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I can’t make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN’T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

“Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”

“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”

“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”

“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”

“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”

“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?

Because she thought everybody loved her.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I’m ugly!

Lay on the couch, face down.

“The trouble is,” said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, “that I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t tell jokes, I can’t act, I can’t play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!”

“Then why don’t you give up show business?”

“I can’t - I’m a star!”

Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate?

Psychiatrist: You’ve got multiple personalities.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.

What’s come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, doctor, I can’t concentrate, one minute I’m ok, and the next minute, I’m blank!

And how long have you had this complaint?

What complaint?