Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?

Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&M’s

What’s big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass?

A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

What kind of book did Frankenstein’s monster like to read?

One with a cemetery plot.

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?

Benjamin Frankenstein

Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?

He was exceeding the feed limit!

What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen?

The Ink-credible Hulk.

What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?

Prankenstein!

What makes an ideal present for a monster?

Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.

What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?

“Pleased to eat you!”

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

He was convicted of fragrancy.

Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school?

Because two heads are better than one.

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.

Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war?

He lost it in a hair raid.

The monster spent a fortune on deodorants before he found out that people didn’t like him anyway.

What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?

I didn’t know we lived on the same block.

What does the hungry monster get after he’s eaten too much ice cream?

More ice cream!

Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?

He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn’t even entered.

Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer?

Because he had been told to ice it.

Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster?

Girl: Really? What kind of fur?

Boy: As fur away as possible!

Frankenstein: Help, I’ve got a short circuit!

Igor: Don’t worry, I’ll lengthen it.

FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes.

BERT MONSTER: That’s nothing. My sister’s tongue is so long, she can lick an envelope after she’s posted it.

What’s the hardest part of making monster soup?

Stirring it.

What do sea monsters have for dinner?

Fish and ships.

A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor’s shop.

‘I’d like to see a suit that will fit me,’ he told the tailor.

‘So would I, sir,’ said the tailor. ‘So would I.’

If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies?

Cranes.