An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative.’

So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent’s desk.

`So you do bird impressions,’ said the agent, `what else can you do?’

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”

“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”

What’s the definition of a good actor?

Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

A: Nothing. But he promised he’d make it up to them on the next one.

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say “I could’ve done that.”

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin’ he looked doing it.

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: WHAT?

Q: How many DP’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, if he’s got a good crew to do it.

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

Why can’t anyone stay angry long with an actress?

Because she always makes up.

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

Q: How many PA’ does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She’s the one sleeping with the writer.

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ?

To boldly go where no man has been before !

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said “Hell, I’m no actor, and I’ve got thirty movies to prove it!”

Neighbour: Haven’t I seen you on TV?

Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

Neighbour: Off.

Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

Director: Let’s just say she’d look better on radio than on TV.

Fred: I’d love to be an actress.

Harry: Break a leg then!

Amy: Whatever for?

Fred: Then you’d be in a cast for weeks.

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: “Nobody said I needed doubles on that!”

Q: How many 2nd AD’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Uh…standby, I’ll check on that.

Q: How many 1st AD’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why are you asking me that question? Can’t you see I’m busy!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ?

Collie-wood !

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If we change the light bulb, we’ll have to change everything.

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One — but it’s an 8 hour minimum.