Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

What is musical and handy in the supermarket.

A Chopin Lizst.

Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson?

Because he’d already done the sharps and flats.

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?

A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?

A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?

A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?

A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Which positions does a violist use?

A: First, third, and emergency.

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A: A pair of Re-bachs.

“Haven’t I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

“You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”

“Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

A saxophone is like a lawsuit.

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?

A: A violator.

When is the water in the shower room musical?

When it’s piping hot.

Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?

A: A violist playing octaves.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?

A: Their personality.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?

A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.