A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

“Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?” asked Rupert.

“Okay,” replied his father, “but don’t stand too close.”

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You, sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.”

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

“Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, “Sir, are you all right?”

“Yes” says the man, “I’m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.”

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back.

“Do you see that baseball cap?” said the girl. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back.”

“Oh, that’s my dad,” replied the boy. “This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today.”

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok ask.

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

Father: !!!??????!!!

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he’d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, “Ah, ha! I know what you’ve been doing!”

Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, “Gee, you’re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.”

“Now, son,” scolded Bentley, “you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son’s outburst, his mother said, “Don’t you dare use that kind of language in here.”

“William Shakespeare did,” replied Ben.

“Well, you’d better stop going around with him,” said Mom.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later]

“Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]

“Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]

“Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”

Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class.

Teacher: But she’s top of the class.

Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.

Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister’s fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.

Dad: No, I’m not coming out. She’s going to have to learn to look after herself.

An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.

“I demand to know,” he screamed, “why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”

“Now, don’t get excited,” said the principal. “We’ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation.”

A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived.

“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?” demanded the father.

“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”

“That’s no excuse,” shouted the father. “You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”

“Dad, do you believe in Buddha?”

“Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good.”

Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..

Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.

“Dad,” said Rickey, “what is electricity?”

“Uh,” replied his father, “I don’t really know too much about electricity.”

A few minutes later the boy said, “How does gas make the engine go?”

“Son, I’m afraid I don’t know much about motors.”

“Dad,” said the boy, “what is anthropology?”

“Anthropology?”

The father frowned. “I really don’t know.”

“Gee, Dad, I guess I’m making a nuisance of myself.”

“Not at all, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything.”

“Honey,” said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, “Lester’s teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia.”

“Encyclopedia, my eye!” exclaimed Beldon.

“Let him walk to school like I did.”

Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

A: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

When is a parent like a child?

When he’s a miner.

Son: Where are the Himalayas?

Father: If you’d put things away, you’d know where to find them.

Why are parents boring?

Because they’re groan-ups.